Twin Hearts, forever Entwined

By Tanmaye Karri

Have you ever felt that words cannot define you? Define how you feel? That they aren’t enough, never enough? Well, I do. And the feeling words couldn’t define for me is pain. My pain, my twin’s, my family’s.

All I see around me is pain. Feel around me is pain. Hear around me is pain wails upon wails. It’s the pandemic with no hope in sight for me or for my sister who’s infected. It’s been half a month, I think as I clutch my sister’s necklace around my neck harder at that thought. My parents visit us and watch us wither away, day after day with tears in their eyes, suffering more than we even could. My big brother places his hand on the glass separating us, wishing he could be your sides, holding our hands in his.

The phone by my bedside rings as I reach to wake my twin up. “Amara.” I whisper. Even if we’re both infected, it ate at my life faster than hers. Or maybe I’m hoping that to be true. For my own sanity and hope that at least she will survive somehow. She opens her eyes, instinctively gripping my necklace around her neck, looking pale, gaunt and in so much pain but she masks it, “Akira.”

Our beds were further away before and we wanted to feel closer to each other. So, we exchanged our necklaces with our names engraved.

“Mom and dad are here.” I tell her and reach for the phone to answer.

“Sweethearts.” Came my mom’s trembling voice as she clutches the phone in her hand tighter. “How are my strong little soldiers today?” Came my dad’s soothing voice next, as he places his hand on mom’s small back. 

“Fighting.” We whispered in perfect rehearsed synchrony. Initially we hated the world, hated everything because of the pain we were in. But as the days grew bleaker, we decided to lighten our parents load and let them smile a little through us.

“That’s my girls. So, so brave. Everything will be fine. I just know it. Don’t give up, Akira, Amara…?” 

Papa…

 He was interrupted by a hospital attendant saying, “you have to go.”

“No! Please just a few minutes longer, we barely uttered a few words.” My mom begged.

“The allotted half an hour is up. You have another child, you two or him could get infected as well. It’s a risk neither me nor you should take. I’ve already…”

“Please. We just didn’t want to wake them up. They’re in less pain when they’re asleep. Just one minute more.” My brother pleaded.

“It’s okay. It’s okay, mamma, papa, big brother. Just seeing your face is enough for us. We’ll… We’ll stay strong and Akira and I will hold your hands soon. You’ll see.” My sister spoke, giving them a strained encouraging smile. The pain in their eyes as they were pushed away from us gutted me.

“Next time…next time we’ll sleep less.” I declared. “One of us will stay awake waiting for them.”

“Let us survive. Let us…for them.” Amara prayed with closed eyes, ignoring me. Just as I felt pain radiate to every part of my body and soul. I closed my eyes and prayed, not for us to survive, but for Amara to survive. Somehow. I felt sleep calling to me, after I’m done with my prayer. And into a deep slumber it pulls me. I’m dying and in a worse condition than my twin is in, the doctor said so. Then let my twin live and grant me a peaceful death. 

Please. Please if there is a God out there, let my sister live.

~~

I open my eyes, to the phone ringing near my ears. Something’s…something’s different. Bad different. Even in my medicine induced drowsiness something feels wrong…missing. And then my glance falls to beside me where the bed lay empty. 

No!

No!

No!

A banging on the glass forces me out of my thoughts. My brother continues banging with his fist as my father points to the phone. I reach for it with trembling hands, as my vision darkens. Not my twin. Please, not my twin. No…Another bang.

I somehow manage to hit the accept button.

“Sweetheart, please. Don’t worry. Your sister’s better now. So, they shifted her elsewhere. As soon as she gets a little bit better, I’ll let you listen to her, her voice. I promise.” Dad says.

And that makes me pause. I look at his face, then my brother’s. Both of their faces were puffy and red and exhausted. 

“Lie.” 

“No, baby girl. The doctor just didn’t tell you, because he was scared it would make you worse. They forcefully shifted Amara when she was asleep because she wouldn’t leave you.” Papa explained.

“I wouldn’t…I wouldn’t. I…I would be happy, that at least Amara’s okay. I would be happy.” I sobbed.

“Akira, darling. We know that. Of course we do. The doctor was wrong.” My brother coerced me.

“Amara’s, okay?” I whisper. 

“Yes, and so will you. I believe in you.”

“But the doctor said I’m worse of the two of us.”

“The doctor’s wrong.” They declared together. They said it with so much conviction that I believe. Believe and slow down the racing of my heart and adrenaline in my system. And no sooner than I do, sleep calls to me.

“Sleep, sweetie. We love you so much. So, so much. Stay strong for us…” he continues speaking encouragingly but it feels further and further away.

I open my eyes again, how much time has passed, I don’t know. But Amara is here, in the same hospital gown as mine, sitting on her bed, looking at me, with tears.

“Amara.” 

“Why? Why did you lie to me? If you were better…if you were getting better, I would be happy for you. Why didn’t you tell me? All this time … I was praying. Praying for you to get better.” She remains quiet at my outburst, continues staring at me, deep in thought.

“Why?”

“I’m sorry but the doctor said not to say. I wanted to tell you,” She spoke, guilt overwhelming her. “But, if I told you, you wouldn’t fight to live anymore. If I was okay, you would start thinking, it’s okay for you to die now.” She continued with tears in her eyes. And I couldn’t deny either. “I promised the doctor, I won’t touch you, just stay by your side for a while and go back.” She whispered.

“It’s okay. It’s okay. Don’t touch me, please. I don’t want you to get infected again.”

“Please don’t give up. Please live. For momma. For papa. For big brother, for…for me? I…I survived so you can too. You can survive. You will survive. Don’t give up. Fight. For all of us.” Amara begs me.

“Please.” She whispers again. And looking at my sister’s face, tear struck eyes, pale gaunt face begging me with everything she has to live, made me want to live again. For her. For my family, if not for me.

“For you.” I promise.

“For me.” She agrees, tears streaming down her face.

“For us.” I declare. And mean it. All this time, seeing everyone around me either moaning in pain or dying, I’ve lost hope. I’ve accepted my fate and concentrated on keeping our family in a happy place for however long I can.

But now, someone survived. My twin survived. And maybe…maybe if she can, then I can too? Maybe…I can live and all of us can be one happy family again? Maybe there’s hope for me yet? And no sooner than I feel a flicker of hope within me, Amara sees it in my eyes and a breathtaking smile transforms her face. Filled with love and… joy. One I haven’t seen in a long while.

“I will live. I will try the hardest to survive.” I declare. And I come through on my promise. A week later, the doctor looks at me surprised, but a good surprised. This time went by like a breeze. I was in unimaginable pain, but I never wished to survive so desperately before now. Never believed like I do now. And my body listened and fought its hardest for me.

I fought and fought every moment of every minute of every day. With not just me but my family encouraging me on. And my sister visiting whenever the doctor let her, whispering words of encouragement and love close to my ears. Giving me the final strength needed to push through.

A week later they wheeled me out of the intensive care unit as I gaze at the hospital lights above. I begin counting them, one, two, three…eighty three, eighty four when they stopped.

“Akira.” 

“Mumma, papa, big brother. I’m better. Just like I promised.” I whispered as they broke and started crying tears of joy.

“I’m all better.” I continue, reaching for their hands as they come closer and hug me tight. I look around searching for her. Hoping she would be lying in the bed next to me again. It was lonely without her there. But she’s better off here. And now I’m here but, both the beds beside me were occupied by strangers.

“A…Amara?” I call out making all of them flinch. “Where is she? I’m better now. I won’t pass on the disease to her. I want her to hold me. Where is she?” I plead but none of them meet my eye. My heart processed all this faster than my brain did. It didn’t want to process all this.

“Amara!!” I call out.

“Your sister passed away two weeks ago. I’m so sorry.” The nurse mumbled quietly shocking me to the very core.

“NO!!”

“NO! NO NO!!! I SAW HER. I SAW HER YESTERDAY. I SAW HER EVERYDAY FOR THE LAST TWO WEEKS. SHE’S NOT GONE!!”

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Sweetheart. We lost her but we couldn’t lose you too, Akira. I lied. I lied hoping if we didn’t tell you maybe…maybe at least you would live.”

A…Amara is gone? But she promised that we’ll be a happy family again. She promised…

I glance from one to the other in disbelief, denial and pure anger at them and the world. And right there at the corner of the room she stood giving me a sad smile as she mouthed sorry. I didn’t hesitate. I pushed my mother aside, and ran to her only to stumble and fall hard, planting my face on the floor. She moved to grab me but her hands passed right through me.

“AMARA!!” I yelled between sobs.

“Sorry. I’m so sorry. I wanted you to live. I realised they didn’t tell you when I spoke to you. I didn’t mean to lie. I should’ve left by now but the one thing holding me back was you Akira. You and the necklace around your neck is tethering me to you. Let me go, twinnie.” She whispered, her eyes filled with tears gently coercing me.

“No! No, please no! Don’t leave me.” I scream. Please. 

“I love you. So, so much but, you have to let me go now. I’m okay. I will be okay, because you are.”

“No. You…you are not my second half. You are not my better half. You are not my other half. YOU ARE ME! You are me. God split our soul into two and I’ll find a way to join our souls again.” I declare clutching my/ her necklace tighter. “And until I do, you are staying right by my side. You are me and I will never let you go.” I swear as she teared up. And her tears of relief (at not finding me afraid of her) made me realise, pain is not the only emotion words can’t describe. They can’t describe the love and grief I feel either.

Never. I’ll never let you go.

You are me.

You are me.

You are me.

By Tanmaye Karri